Issue #19 – “Spring Break Edition” – March 2000

-How do people miss the last few questions on a test?  After every exam, when everyone is talking about what they thought about the test, there’s always that one kid who realizes that he missed the last five questions because he didn’t look on the last page.  How dumb are you?

-Why don’t I have any classes that have movies as assignments?  I have this friend who is never studying, never doing work, because he’s a Film Studies major and all he has to do is watch movies.  What kind of bullshit classes are these?  Hey, how about you give me an A for sitting on my ass and doing nothing all day?  Every time I see my friend is in his room watching TV I’m like, “What are you up to?”  And he’s like, “Not much, just doing homework.”  Ridiculous.

-I live with nine other guys in a four-story house and no one gets the door.  Ever.  The kids on the fourth floor claim that they’re too far away.  The kids on the second floor complain that they always have to get the door and now refuse to do it.  And the kids on the third floor are just plain lazy.  We hate getting the door so much that if anyone comes over more than once, we just make them a key.

-My house also has a bit of a mouse problem.  Seems that some of my housemates think that leaving food, trash, and human waste on the floor is OK.  Our rodents have so much to feed on that they have evolved into a species of super-mice.  Not only do they flip over traps and steal whole sandwiches, when we go to sleep at night they go to mouse school and have mouse parties.  There are police mice and teacher mice and even mice that drive around in little mouse cars.  I think they’re plotting to take over the house.  Now if only we could get them to answer the door…

-About once every two weeks, in colleges across the nation, kids come home to this message on their answering machine: “Hi, it’s Mom, just wanted to see how you were doing.  We haven’t heard your voice in a while.  Please call us.  Things are going well here at home.  Your sister got an A on her math test.  But we miss you.  If you can find the time, please give us a call.  Remember, Dad’s birthday is on Saturday.  Remember to call.  But please try to call before then.  Please.  We miss you.  Call us.  Love you, Mom.  And please call home.”

-My friend changed majors because the building where all his classes were was too far away.  So he switched to a major in a closer building.  It’s good to know that some of us are making the most of our education.

-In a lot of the classes here there is a listserv so that the teacher can send one email to the entire class.  Of course there’s always that one idiot who replies to the listserv and sends a stupid message to everyone, thinking it is just going to the teacher.  For instance, President Clinton was speaking here last week and my friend was going to have the chance to meet him.  So he sent a pathetic email to the teacher saying he wouldn’t be able to make it to class because he was meeting the President of the United States.  Of course, he accidentally sent it to everyone in the class.  What a name-dropping asshole.

-Have you ever woken up after a night of partying not knowing whether it’s AM or PM?

-I think there is a Golden Rule of TV-watching for guys.  If you’re flipping through the channels, no matter what, you will always stop on SportsCenter or The Simpsons.

-The Golden Rule for girls?  At some point in their lives every girl will cut their hair really short and then complain for the next two months that they look like a boy.  You knew what is was going to look like, so stop fucking whining!

-What is that crap that some people have following all their emails?  You know, it’s got their name and phone number and email address and school address and home address and instant messenger screen name and ICQ number and stupid-ass Dave Matthews song lyrics and pictures of their dog made with commas and exclamation points.  Thanks, but I don’t need your life story every time you send me an email.

-And, finally, why do people freak out when someone is wearing the same shirt as them?  I come downstairs wearing a red shirt and (uh oh!) my friend is wearing a red shirt too!  Here we go: “You can’t wear the same fucking shirt as me!  I’m not going out like this!  I was wearing the red shirt first, you have to change!”  Take it easy dude, we just won’t stand next to each other.  Fuck me!