Issue #23 – “Senioritis Sets In” – February 2001

-Remember the second half of your senior year in high school?  You didn’t do much work, you probably cut a bunch of classes, you may have even gotten fucked up in the middle of the day.  You had “senioritis.”  Wow, the college version of senioritis is so much crazier (or should I say, lazier).  My friends don’t do shit.  Some aren’t even enrolled in any classes.  I once went a whole week without leaving my house.  Being at college with nothing to do is truly the life.  I dedicate this issue to college seniors everywhere – the laziest creatures on earth!

-So I’m pretty much addicted to Red Bull and vodka.  I was never much of a fan of vodka.  But then along comes Red Bull, this magical drink that covers the taste completely and is available for free at my school (see the previous issue of Ruminations).  I am also obsessed with the TV show Temptation Island.  So I guess this is what my senior year has been reduced to: downing vodka-caffeine drink cocktails while watching reality television on FOX.  Man, that’s almost embarrassing.

-I love “male tension” at parties.  Guys don’t like to meet other guys.  Guys think they have enough guy friends that they’ll ever need and everyone else is automatically an asshole.  You’ll see a guy whisper to a girl at a party, “Hey, who’s that dude in the corner?”  “Oh, you don’t know Matt?  He’s great.”  And the guy is always like, “I fucking hate that kid,” without ever meeting him!

-If you have to take a shit during class, is it OK to take the book you are reading in class to the bathroom?  The other day I walked out of poly sci with our big-ass textbook under my arm.  When I came back like ten minutes later, everyone was giving me looks.  I mean, if you have to read something while on the can, it might as well be relevant to the class you’re missing, right?

-How come moms never know their own cell phone number?

-Why doesn’t that mark you get on your hand when you walk in the bar ever come off?  Is it a special pen or something?  You have to shower like six times otherwise everyone knows where you were on Saturday night.

-This is not necessarily about college, but how can rappers talk about how rich they are on their first album?  I don’t get it.  How can you be so rich?  This is your FIRST album, no one had even heard of you when you were recording it!

-I’m twenty-one but I feel old.  You know why I feel old?  Because all my fucking friends are on Propecia.  What the fuck is going on here?  When did everyone’s hair start falling out?  I walk into a party and it feels like the fucking Hair Club for Men.

-I’m taking this course now where the professor smokes a pipe during class.  No big deal, right?  But listen to this – he even lets kids smoke cigarettes during class!  I am not kidding.  How ridiculous is that?  The only good thing is that with all the smoke in the room, no one even notices when I leave to take a shit carrying the textbook!

-My friend’s boy from high school was a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.  So we all gathered around the TV to see if maybe he could take home some cash.  The kid set the all-time show record and Pat Sajak looked like he shit himself.  It was awesome.  And since my friend has TiVO (the second greatest invention behind the George Foreman grill), we watched it over and over again.  If it wasn’t for Temptation Island, that might have been greatest moment of television I’d seen all year!

-I went to see an XFL game at Giants Stadium a couple of weeks ago.  Although the game was pretty cool, it’s nothing like you see on TV.  On TV, the people in the stands are two-fisting beers like they’re giving them out for free.  In reality, I almost got tossed in the first quarter for smuggling a case of Natty Light into the stadium.  On TV, the cheerleaders are half-naked and practically groping the fans.  In reality, the cheerleaders were about half a mile away and wrapped in long trench coats since it was about ten degrees outside.  On TV, the teams fucking suck and the action is just about at a middle school level.  In reality, well, actually, that part is pretty much true.

-This kid in one of my classes was telling me that last year he had a pretty steady girlfriend.  One day, this guy is just fucking around on the Internet and searches for his girlfriend’s name.  Turns out she has a personal homepage.  What’s on it?  Pictures of her other boyfriend from home!  Oops…

-Why do girls who deactivate from their sorority act like they were never in a sorority to begin with?  I’ll be like, “Oh, I just saw some of your pledges.”  And the girl will say, “I’m not in a sorority.”  Damn it, you know what the fuck I’m talking about!  Just remember girls, once a sorority chick, always a sorority chick.  There’s no going back!

-And, finally, I recently saw the Michael Jordan IMAX movie.  What a bunch of garbage.  It’s got this whole dramatic narration where Laurence Fishburne is like, “Michael Jordan was not afraid to win.”  I don’t get it.  Who the fuck is afraid to win?  Have you ever been afraid to win?  Because I certainly haven’t.  The only thing I’m afraid of is that I just wasted ten bucks!  Fuck me.