-When my very first girlfriend broke up with me, I was quite upset.  I told my dad I just didn’t understand women.  I’ll never forget my dad’s advice.  He said, “You don’t understand women?  I don’t understand women.  Women don’t even understand women!  Just give up.”  Many years later, as I trek nightly to clubs with monosyllabic names and try to meet “the One” in the alcohol-induced frenzy that is the New York City dating scene, I’ve realized that, for once, maybe my dad was right.

-The first challenge in meeting a girl is, of course, finding a girl that is actually single.  Does everyone have boyfriends in this city?  Sometimes I feel like there was this giant game of musical chairs and everyone sat down except for me.  Anyway, us guys need some sort of sign to see if a girl is taken or not.  To be honest, there’s not enough time on a Saturday night to sort through everyone.  If I’m talking to you, I’m not interesting in making a new friend, I’ve got enough of those.  So if you’re taken, just let me know and I’ll walk away and we can both get on with our lives.

-However, a lot of my friends say they like a “challenge.”  You know these guys.  They’re like, “I don’t care if she’s engaged, it’s more fun that way.  I like the challenge.”  Me, I don’t want to be challenged.  I don’t have the energy for that.  I’m looking for a single girl.  I don’t want challenges, obstacles, or hurdles, thank you very much.

-So my friend was dating this girl for a while.  He was pretty into her, but then she left him for another guy.  Eventually, the girl ended up marrying this new guy.  My friend was pretty bummed.  I think the fact that she ended up marrying this guy should have cheered him up.  It’s kind of like if the Knicks lose in the playoffs, but the team that beat them ends up going on to win the championship.  At least you lost to the best, you know?

-For guys, whenever something new happens in their lives, they want to know immediately if hot chicks are going to be involved.  You get to college: “How are the chicks, any hot chicks around?”  You move into a new apartment: “Dude, did you see any chicks, are there any hot chicks on our floor?”  You start a new job: “How are the chicks at this place?  Did you see that chick in the elevator?  She was hot!”  What can I say, we are very simple creatures.

-The worst part of a relationship is, of course, the end of one.  My buddy had such a falling out with his ex-girlfriend that they sent me as a neutral party to exchange belongings.  He gave me all the clothes she had left at his place all nicely folded up.  I met the ex-girlfriend at a neutral location where she gave me all his stuff wrinkled up in a garbage bag.  We then signed the obligatory treaty that, as the guy’s friend, I would never be able to hook up with her as long as I lived.  It was all very official.

-A while ago I went to this bar but was quickly barred from entry by the bouncer who kindly told me that there was too much “sausage” inside.  As I stood helplessly on the line, I happened to see an ex-girlfriend of mine walking by.  I convinced her to get on line with me and pretend she was still my girlfriend so I could get in.  Then we started fighting on the line.  I said she was too clingy, she said I don’t listen to her (at least that’s what I think she said).  By the time we got inside the bar, we had broken up all over again.  The important thing, though, is that I got in.

-In New York, a bar is unfortunately still one of the best places to meet someone.  Let me break down some of the different types of bars.  First, you have the bar that you think you’ve never been to before, but then you walk in and you’re like, “Oh, this place?  I’ve been here ten times!”  Then there are the bars that make you wait on line outside forever, then you get in and the place is empty.  You also have the bars where you’re like, “Wait, there’s a downstairs?  There’s a whole other part of this place?  Damn, I never knew that!”  Lately, I’ve been noticing bars that, once you are already inside, they make you wait on line and pay a cover again, just to get to the downstairs part.  I always think, man, I liked it much better when I didn’t know there was a downstairs in the first place!

-I love those nights when you get all your friends to motivate to go to one bar and you’re all psyched (“Yeah, this place is gonna be awesome, it’s so much fun, we’ll all have a great time!”) and then you get there and there is a huge line and they’re not letting anyone in.  All of a sudden you’re like, “This place sucks, who do they think they are?  There’s no way I am waiting in line for this shit hole!”

-I am the last male Karo in my family.  Therefore, it is up to me to carry on the Karo name.  My grandma has been holding this over my head forever.  She tells me that I absolutely must have four boys to carry on the Karo name.  “Four boys!  You gotta give me four boys!” is all she ever says.  No pressure or anything, Grandma.  She started making me promise her four boys when I was like six years old.  I didn’t even like girls yet.

-It’s always an awkward situation when you start dating someone just before Valentine’s Day or their birthday.  Because you never know if you need to buy a present or what you should you buy.  And what do you write on the card if you don’t even love them?  “Happy Valentine’s Day, your friend, Aaron.”  That’s a little weird.  I think we need to establish a no-gift buffer zone.  If you start a relationship within one month of a major holiday, no gifts are allowed.  That would just make life a lot easier.

-Quote of the Month.  I was in the drugstore with my buddy, who was buying condoms.  The cashier said, “Oh, these are actually on sale, they’re half-price.”  My friend said, “Half-price condoms?  That sounds kind of shady.  Can you just charge me full-price?  Thanks.”

-So I was on a date a couple of months ago.  Candlelight dinner, a little wine, the whole nine yards.  I started to think how complicated life has become since graduating.  Remember in college how you could pick up a chick between points of beer pong by offering her a Natty Light?  Those were good times.  As I started to daydream, the candle on the dinner table at the restaurant brushed against the napkin in the breadbasket and the whole breadbasket burst into flames!  I’m not making this up.  The waiter ran over, grabbed it, ran outside, and threw it in a puddle in the street.  Needless to say, there were a lot of sparks flying on that date!  (I just couldn’t resist.)

-I think maybe I’m starting to figure women out though.  One thing I have noticed is that girls are always cold and they’re always complaining that they’re feet hurt (who the hell told you to wear seven-inch heals anyway?).  So, I think what I’m gonna do is carry around a pair of sneakers and a sweater.  That’ll really make me a hit with the ladies!  Man, the things we do for love.

-Here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-I visited the University of Arizona a couple of weeks ago.  They actually have this program called “Finish in Four” that encourages kids to graduate in four years since everyone there fucks around for like seven years.  I’ve got an idea.  How about taking away the chicks in bikinis and endless alcohol and getting these kids to do a little work?  Then they might actually want to leave!

-Ever notice that the drink does not increase in proportion to the rest of the value meal when you super-size?  You get a little bit bigger sandwich, a couple of extra fries, and like a twenty-gallon drum of Diet Coke.  Who can drink that much?

-Why do people in the locker room of my gym, when they get out of the shower, do that little barefoot walk on the sides of their feet?  Is that supposed to prevent athlete’s foot or something?  Like the germs are going, “Oh wait, this guy is only walking on the sides of his feet.  We can’t touch that, let’s hold out for some heel.”

-My friend went to the airport and felt the full force of airport security.  They searched all his stuff, made him take off his shoes, and even confiscated his toenail clipper.  The whole thing took like half an hour.  Then he got on the plane and what did they have in the first-class bathroom?  Razor blades.

-Aren’t magazine covers with scantily clad women on them getting a little ridiculous these days?  I walk past the newsstand and I can’t tell what’s Penthouse and what’s Maxim.

-Ever notice that you can only be a porn “star”?  There are no porn extras or porn supporting actors.  You’re either a porn star or you’re not in porn at all.  Sounds like a great industry to me!

-The eternal question: what towel do you use to dry your hands when using someone else’s bathroom?

-And finally, did you guys read about that twenty-year-old-chick that won $50 million in the lottery?  $50 million!  That’s a whole lot of money.  Last week I got really excited because I scratched off a lotto ticket and won – another ticket.  Then I scratched that one off and lost.  Fuck me.

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