Issue #54 – “Feminine Projects” – October 11th, 2004

-During the first few weeks that a guy starts seeing a girl, or the first few weeks after a guy and girl break up, if you ask the guy if he thinks the girl is hooking up with anyone else, he’ll always say, “No.”  It may be completely incorrect, but in our minds, we cannot fathom the possibility that a girl has other romantic interests besides us.  A guy could be invited to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding, watch her exchange vows with her fiance, and turn to his buddy and say, “Dude, she’s totally still into me.”

-Nothing defines the difference between men and women more than our relationships with members of the same sex.  A woman moved in across from a girl friend of mine and my friend tells me, “Oh I hate my new neighbor, she’s so thin and cute.”  Can you imagine if a guy moved in next door to me, and my roommate Brian was like, “I totally hate our new neighbor,” and I was like, “I know, his hair is so perfect!”

-Girls carry umbrellas around all day long in their gigantic purses.  Guys refuse to leave the house with an umbrella no matter what the circumstances: “It looks like it’s about to rain.”  “Oh, it will clear up.”  “But the weather report says it’s going to thunderstorm.”  “Come on, they’re always wrong.”  “It’s pouring right now.”  “I’ll take my chances.”

-I was on my way to the drugstore the other day when Girlfriend called and asked me to pick up some feminine products and other shit for her.  As I warily made my way through the skin care aisle, I could not believe how many ointments and gels they make just so girls will look better than their next-door neighbor.  I actually saw something called de-ageifying lotion.  I don’t even think that’s a word!

-When I’m walking with a bunch of guys and girls, inevitably the guys will stop at a corner, look back, and see that the girls are nowhere to be found.  Why can’t girls walk faster?  And it’s not like they’re half a block behind.  They’re like six blocks behind.  And we only walked four blocks!

-My girlfriend walks so damn slow…yet she goes to the bathroom twice as fast as me.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  After we go to the movies, we’ll both go to the bathroom, and when I come out, she’s waiting for me.  You know how embarrassing that is?  Obviously, in our relationship she wears the pants…and I carry the umbrella.

-I think the most drastic change in my life since I started dating Girlfriend is that masturbation has become a special time for me.  It used to be such a common occurrence.  Now it’s so rare that I find myself with seven minutes of alone time in my apartment that I have to savor it.  I dim the lights, I light some candles.  All I need is some de-ageifying lotion and I’m good to go.

-A few weeks ago, I was talking to this girl in a bar who had recently moved to New York from California.  Soon after I commended her on her excellent judgment, I wanted to retract that statement.  That’s because she then told me that although she loved the city, she felt that the one thing the bars were lacking was enough guys.  I said, “Honey, in the all the many years I’ve lived here and all the many bars I’ve been to, never in my entire life have I ever heard anyone say, “You know what this place could really use?  More dudes.”

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-Way too many things are made with honey mustard these days.  Honey mustard dressing.  Honey mustard chicken.  Honey mustard pretzels.  Let me be the first to say it – honey mustard is played out.

-Someone recently asked me if, when my parents come in to the city or we go out to eat, do they pay for everything.  I was like, are you kidding?  I don’t even bring a wallet!

-I hate people who wear nice clothes on Saturday afternoon even if they’re not going anywhere.  If I look around, guys are wearing dress shoes, khakis, polo shirts.  Why?  It’s Saturday.  Afternoon.  I’m not even wearing socks, let alone something with a collar.

-I’m quite sure that there is nothing worse than being in the middle of working out and realizing you have to take a shit.  You try to do another rep but quickly come to the conclusion that the thrusting is counteracting your clenching.  Just about the only good thing about having to take a shit at the gym is that it’s pretty much the only viable excuse why you only worked out for eleven minutes and then had to leave.

-My roommate Brian continues to develop astounding idiosyncrasies.  Before they go to sleep, he and his girlfriend must have a glass of water by the bed.  But instead of simply refilling the same cup, Brian takes a new one every night, thereby leaving dozens of half-empty glasses lying about.  His bedroom looks like the end of the movie “Signs.”

-Do you have that one friend that still doesn’t understand how to use email?  And when you send an email to all your friends about something important, you always have to add at the end, “Will someone please call Shermdog and tell him because I know he won’t get this.”

-Have you ever gone out, gotten bombed, gone home with someone, and then woken up so late the next day that when people saw you doing the walk of shame, they probably just assumed you were going out for the night…again?

-And, finally, in the past few months, in rapid succession, came Brian’s birthday, my birthday, Girlfriend’s birthday and Brian’s girlfriend’s birthday.  For my birthday, my first since we’ve been dating, Girlfriend got me an iPod mini.  My first thought was, woah, she really set the bar high.  So I had to go out and spend double what I was originally planning to spend on her.  Then, shit got even weirder.  Brian and his girlfriend got my girlfriend a birthday present.  Where the fuck did that come from?  So now Girlfriend and I had to turn around and get Brian’s girlfriend a birthday present.  Meanwhile, Brian and I have been friends for almost twenty years and I’ve never gotten him anything.  I’ve known his girlfriend for two years and all of a sudden I’m out buying wrapping paper.  I should have just put two words on the card: “Fuck me.”