-Congratulations Class of 2005!  You’re about to earn your college degree.  You’re probably feeling excited, anxious, saddened, and hungover all at once.  Don’t worry, that’s normal.  I should know.  I’m Class of 2001.  I’m you in four years.  I live in a place called the “real world.”  We’re very excited that you’ll be joining us soon (especially if you’re a hot chick with low standards).  This is your welcome guide.

-You know how some people are always saying that life only gets better after college?  They’re lying.  Life gets much, much worse.  One moment you’re doing jagerbombs in a frat house basement, and next thing you know you’re sitting in a cubicle staring at the beanie baby atop of your co-worker’s computer monitor.  But don’t freak out!  Once you get the hang of things, life will eventually get a lot better, better even than college.  Then shit kinda evens out.  Right now, I’m about even.  Trust me, even is good.

-Soon, you will get your own credit card.  It’s kind of cool.  You’ll even find out that you can earn “points” toward free stuff by spending lots of money.  Also cool, right?  Wrong!  Points do nothing.  I have about 10 billion American Express points.  You know what I’ve earned?  A one-way flight with layovers…that I need to book two years in advance…and sit in the bathroom.

-You know how in the “American Pie” movies, Kevin always calls his older and, presumably wiser, brother, who is at some business conference or something, and asks him for sex advice?  You’re the older brother now.  Trippy, huh?

-The hardest part about your transition to the real world will be your transition to the working world.  First job out of college sucks?  Don’t sweat it.  Of the ten members of my incoming Wall Street class, nine of us don’t even work for the company anymore.  Also, two of us are married, two of us are getting an MBA, and one of us tells dick jokes for a living (that’s me).  The point is, who the hell knows where your career or your life will take you?  Your first job is all about networking, doing data entry hungover, and daring the guy in the next cubicle to jerk off in the office bathroom.

-I have a cut on my lip from doing a kegstand last weekend.  That’s right.  I’m twenty-five and I still do kegstands.  Some people my age and older might read this and think, “Wow, that Karo is really immature.  When is he going to grow up?”  And to those people I say: shut the hell up.  To me, a kegstand is the ultimate display of post-college defiance.  Because a kegstand requires two things that are not always readily accessible in the real world: a keg and enough crazy friends willing to hold you up.  And so, Class of 2005, if in four years you can look around and find both, then take heart.  You are now even.

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-I try to do everything online, that way I can avoid speaking to humans as much as possible.  Anyway, my cousin had twin boys about a year and a half ago and recently had them tested to see if they were identical.  The sad thing was that I was less excited about finding out they’re identical than about the fact that the lab sent the test results via email.

-Have you ever been eating something and casually looking at the box at the same time, and you glance at the Nutrition Facts and realize that you’ve just shoveled about eight “serving sizes” into your mouth in one sitting?

-I used to eat Subway like almost every day and exercise regularly.  Now I find myself eating a lot of junk food and avoiding the gym.  It’s like I’m doing Jared’s diet in reverse.

-The other day, I saw this girl I knew in the street.  She was wearing sweats.  I said to her, “Oh, did you just come from the gym?”  She was like, “No.”  Oops…

-I’ve been using Crest whitening strips on my teeth for the past week.  So far, the only noticeable result has been me staring at my mouth in every mirror that I pass and thinking, “Hmm, do my teeth seem whiter?  They seem like they might be whiter.  Oh hell, I don’t remember what the fuck they used to look like anyway!”

-Why can’t I get these damn Kelly Clarkson songs out of my head!?  It can’t be because I bought them on iTunes and listen to them all the time, can it?

-Recently, I was in a rush to catch a train and so when I bought a magazine for $3.95, I told the guy to keep the change.  I think that he thought I was being all snobby for rejecting the nickel, but really I just couldn’t wait.  Now I feel bad.  This was like two weeks ago.  Either I have a very strong conscience, or these whitening strips are going to my brain.

-In my apartment I have one of those TVs that require two remotes – one to turn it on and one to change the channel and volume.  Like clockwork, every time someone comes over, I’ll leave the room and then come back a minute later to find my friend standing helplessly in front of the scrambled TV, remote in each hand, wondering how pressing one wrong button could have possibly caused the utter disaster now before him.  I usually put my arm around my friend and say, “Don’t worry.  It happens to a lot of people.  You know, with there being so many remotes and all.  We’re gonna get through this.  Idiot.”

-And, finally, in my travels performing at colleges across the country this semester, I was introduced to the shot I mentioned earlier – the jagerbomb (Jagermeister mixed with Red Bull).  Whoever thought of combining two of the most disgusting drinks at the bar, giving it a cool name, and then charging six bucks a shot is, well, a fucking genius.  Class of 2005, I gotta hand it to you.  You’ve come up with yet another way to make me puke.  I have a feeling you guys are gonna be just fine out here in the real world.  In fact, first round of ‘bombs is on the house.  I could use the credit card points.  Fuck me.

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