-In the past few weeks, two new world records were set: a man in Sweden watched television for 72 hours straight, and a woman in Thailand spent 33 days living with 5,000 scorpions.  It seems odd to me that the scorpion-living record is so much longer than the TV-watching record.  I also think it’s worth noting that one of the amenities that the “Scorpion Queen” had to pass the time was a television.  If she had just kept the thing on the whole time, she could have set both records.  Personally, I’m terrified of all bugs, especially deadly ones that look like lobsters.  I do, however, currently follow over twenty different television shows religiously.  Give me a DVR and a comfy couch and I’ll give that dude in Stockholm a run for his money any day.

-If you’ve already watched a show but know I haven’t seen that episode yet, do not tell me anything that happens – even if you preface your statement with, “Don’t worry, it won’t ruin it.”  Yes, it will.  Because I’m gonna spend the next hour wondering when the part you told me about is coming.  Just keep your fucking mouth shut.

-I don’t understand how The Roots is going to be the house band on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”  Is ?uestlove gonna interject with witty banter when Jimmy is interviewing Miley Cyrus?  Is this some sort of elaborate practical joke?

-I hate when loud, suspenseful music plays at the end of a scene just before the commercial break, even when what’s happening really isn’t all that dramatic.

-Working in Hollywood means that everyone around me is obsessed with television ratings.  Given the importance of ratings, it boggles my mind that they seem to be calculated so haphazardly.  I’ve never met anyone who has a Nielsen box attached to his or her television set.  I’ve never met anyone who has ever met anyone who has a Nielsen box.  Ipso facto, television ratings are based on the viewing habits of complete weirdos.  I’m telling you, American Idol is totally overrated – in both senses of the word.

-Two summers ago, I had a meeting at CBS to pitch a sitcom I had been working on.  When I walked in, Terrell Owens was also there to pitch his own project.  But his name wasn’t on the security list in the lobby so they wouldn’t let him upstairs.  He stood there sulking while his handlers tried to sort out the problem.  Hey, T.O., maybe people would recognize you better if you took off those fucking sunglasses when you’re indoors.

-I set my remote control to only go to the HD channels.  If I wanted to watch things in standard definition I have my life.

-Why is sitting on the couch while reading a magazine the default activity for sitcom characters?  All of my magazines are in the bathroom.  I don’t want them anywhere near the couch.

-Nothing makes my heart sink faster than realizing my DVR didn’t record something it should have.  Why the fuck does it do that?  To prevent further heartbreak, I now monitor my DVR settings carefully, checking the recording schedule daily and deleting shows as soon as I watch them to free up additional space.  When my DVR is working properly, it’s glorious and I can bask in the glow of HD for days.  But when it cuts off the end of “Lost” I feel like I’ve been bitten by 5,000 scorpions.

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-I just realized that my iPod pauses automatically when the headphones get yanked out of the jack.  I don’t know what makes me feel like a bigger idiot – that in the past I always thought this was just a coincidence, or that I get my headphones caught on doorknobs and dumbbells so often.

-I was working on a screenplay recently when I found myself spending half an hour tinkering with the font that I used for the title of the movie.  It felt just like procrastinating in college – that fucking cover page gets you every time.

-If I mention a historical figure or recent event in an email, don’t reply asking me to explain who or what I’m talking about it.  Are your fingers broken?  Google that shit.

-Whenever I get a call or email from a friend that I haven’t hung out with in like three years, I always think, damn, now I’m gonna have to invite him to my wedding.

-Why do doctors ask you to count backwards before knocking you out?  If I were an anesthesiologist, I’d say something really random just before I put the patient under.  Like, “Dude, your mom is totally hot.  Bye bye!”

-If you’re gonna to be in town, I need to know at least one week ahead of time in order to meet up.  If I’m gonna be in town, I expect you to drop everything at a moment’s notice.

-I was with a friend in an office building whose ducts, wires, and bricks were all exposed.  He asked me if I knew what that style of architecture was called.  I said, “Lazy?”

-Even though Los Angeles is a city notorious for gridlock, I manage to rarely drive simply by ordering everything online and working from home.  My car doesn’t get dirty; it gets dusty.  You know you don’t use your car often when you have a spider web on your windshield wipers.

-And, finally, I believe that the triumphs of contemporary television (such as “Lost” and “House”) have been overshadowed by utter garbage (like American Idol or T.O.’s new reality show).  I continue to fight the good fight, and although I’ve spent the last few years in LA trying to create the next great sitcom, my first forays into screenwriting actually took place back when I was still living in New York.  One day in Union Square, I was eating lunch with my frat buddy Zach, a budding producer, and we were discussing a concept for a new show.  Neither of us had yet to experience the bitter rejection that Hollywood dishes out on a daily basis.  It was a great time to be alive.  In our excitement, we must have been speaking loudly, because an elderly woman approached our table and said something I’ll never forget: “Excuse me, young men.  I overheard your conversation and just wanted to let you know – that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life.”  Fuck me.

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