-It’s hard to believe it’s been thirteen years since I moved into the freshman dorms. I remember it was a tumultuous few days – exciting, nerve-wracking, and hot as fucking balls. As millions of kids across the country begin their own college journey this week, I can’t help but wonder how different their experiences will be from mine. My room didn’t have air conditioning, I didn’t own a cell phone, and Facebook was an actual, physical book with pictures of all the freshmen printed in it. Still, I think there are some words of wisdom my generation can share with this year’s incoming class – wisdom those snot-nosed punks will no doubt ignore as they go back to tweeting while on their school’s brand-new rock climbing wall.

-First lesson: your major does not matter. I have an Econ degree but I’m an author. Back when I worked on Wall Street, the guy crunching numbers next to me had an English degree. The only majors that employers notice are Communications and Sociology – both of which signify that you learned nothing in school except how to drink yourself into oblivion and never go to class.

-College relationships are not built to last. You may envision life after graduation with your boyfriend or girlfriend but it’s not gonna happen. The real world is filled with bills and taxes and careers and responsibility. Trust me, that sophomore who fingered you at the black light party is not the man of your dreams.

-Are you a surly meathead who wears wristbands even when not exercising? Congratulations! You are now a bouncer at the campus bar. You don’t even need to fill out an application.

-No one at school is more stressed than the kid with the 4.0.

-Fraternities and sororities are the stupidest things ever – unless you’re in one, in which case they’re the greatest things ever. Don’t bother trying to plead your case to someone on the other side, though; you have a better chance of achieving peace in the Middle East.

-I never learned to funnel a beer in college and still can’t. So as soon as you get to campus: practice, practice, practice. Regret is a terrible thing to live with.

-It’s very important to respect the non-students who live in your college town. Only drunkenly piss in flowers that need watering, and always blast music that the townies may not be familiar with but you think they might enjoy. They’re sure to appreciate it.

-In the end, I think every generation believes their time in college was the craziest. These days, full-on frat parties at my alma mater are a dying breed. But when I was at school, they were all the rage. And the generation before me partied at a bar in the center of campus – not near campus, not down the street, I mean literally next door to a classroom building. At that rate, it’s not hard to imagine students in the 1960s blatantly sipping cocktails in the middle of exams. Most likely, of course, Sociology or Communications.

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-My wireless router isn’t working so I’ve been connecting the Ethernet cable directly from the modem to my computer in order to get online. It’s the exact same Internet, and it’s probably even faster, but for some reason it bothers me to no end that I can’t get it wirelessly. I haven’t moved my laptop from its spot on my desk in months, but I still want the ability to sit on my couch and surf the web while casually sipping coffee, even though I’ve never done that in my entire life – and don’t even drink coffee.

-Please don’t jam a lime into my Corona. I’ll do it myself; your thumb is disgusting.

-Since I go to physical therapy three times a week to rehab my surgically repaired shoulder, on those days I don’t go to the gym. Surprisingly, it didn’t take much to convince myself that laying on my side, checking my BlackBerry with my good arm, and doing three-pound curls with my bad one, is just as vigorous as my usual workout.

-You know you’re in a shitty restaurant when the wait staff barrel toward you while you’re on your way to the restroom instead of politely stepping aside and letting you pass.

-I went to the car wash recently and it was a ghost town. There was no line and I zipped right through. Twenty minutes later, it started pouring. Now clearly the car wash employees knew it was going to rain, and knew I didn’t know it was going to rain. Don’t they have some obligation to clue me in? Come on, guys, it’s Los Angeles; I haven’t checked the weather report in five years.

-I hate the fact that when the people who live above me fuck up their plumbing, I’m the one who has to deal with the leak. The handyman always asks me, “So, how long has it been dripping?” “I don’t know,” I want to answer, “why don’t you try asking my upstairs neighbors when they started jamming avocados down the fucking garbage disposal!?”

-I’ve seen a guy down the block from me walking a dog so big it looks like a bear. I mean, it’s fucking huge. I’m telling you, this dog is so big and it’s so white, I honestly think it could be a polar bear. The ice caps must be melting faster than we thought.

-Instead of writing a post about how you’ve been too busy to update your blog, just delete your fucking blog.

-And, finally, last week I received a reminder from Penn about my ten-year college reunion, which will take place next May. Where does the time go? I remember throwing up in my shoes freshman year. I remember explaining to my parents why there were handcuffs chained to the radiator in my room in the fraternity house (the previous occupant put them there, I swear). I remember realizing I had gained the Junior 15 and it was time to hit the gym for the first time ever. And I remember my final act of college: speaking at graduation. I envy those attending freshman orientation this week. They have so many memories ahead of them. Memories they’ll share via Facebook in their air-conditioned dorm rooms – complete with wireless Internet. Fuck me!

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