-The New York Times recently reported that, for the first time in over a century, there are more people between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four who aren’t married than are married. That’s right, folks, the battle is over and we won. Single people have taken control. But how will this country fare, you might wonder, now that a minority of young adults are married and the majority are fucking awesome? Much better than you might think. Now that single people rule, change will finally sweep across America. The time has come for a revolution. And it starts just as soon as we’re done with happy hour.

-Obesity is one of the greatest challenges affecting our country. Let’s face it, as soon as the borderline anorexic, pre-wedding ritual of trying to get skinny enough to fit into your tux or wedding dress is over, the first thing married people do is let themselves go. And who can blame them? What’s the point of being healthy or attractive if you’re stuck with the same person for eternity? But with a new majority now in charge, gyms will be packed with single people motivated solely by a desire to impress the opposite sex. I mean, restaurants wouldn’t even offer salad if it wasn’t for girls ordering it on first dates.

-A more pressing concern is the economy, which in my opinion as an economics major is in shambles because of marriage. Have you ever seen married people spend money? No. They’re always saving for a house they’re never gonna buy or contributing to a college fund for kids they don’t even have. Single people are the engine of this economy because if we don’t spend money, we don’t get laid. Now that we run things, expect booming sales of alcohol, condoms, and those shirtdress things all the hot chicks are wearing.

-The way things are headed, it’s only a matter of time before we elect the first single president since the 1800s. For one, the easiest way not to become entangled in a tawdry, career-ending adultery scandal is not to have a wife in the first place. More importantly, though, it’s much easier to climb the political ladder if you don’t have a significant other demanding quality time. You can stay late in the office without qualms. Plus I’d relate to a politician much more if he dispensed with the rote talking points about campaign finance reform and just told us if he was a tit man or an ass man.

-The preponderance of single people now will lead to decreased divorce rates in the future. As I posited in my last book, being single is an excellent opportunity to discover what you need from a relationship. Twenty-five is way too early to get married. You’re three years out of college and fucking clueless. How can you know what you want in a husband or wife if you don’t even know yourself? If I had gotten married six years ago, I’d long since be divorced. Luckily, all my ex-wife would have gotten in the settlement is a lot of IKEA furniture, my VHS collection, and 400 Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

-To be fair, though, the Times article also states that the recent decline in marriage could be explained by more people in serious relationships just choosing not to officially tie the knot for financial reasons. What always amuses me is when women claim they are comfortable with this arrangement. Bullshit. If your broke-ass live-in boyfriend suddenly got down on one knee and proposed, you’d say yes in a heartbeat. After all, marriage may no longer be trendy, but embarrassingly small diamonds will always be forever.

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-I hate when people tell me how expensive dinner was the last time they ate at a particular restaurant, and then qualify it by adding, “But we had a bunch of drinks.” Um, do you know me? Massive alcohol consumption must always be assumed and thus calculated into the price.

-It baffles me when people found a company, are the only employee, and give themselves a title in addition to President. One of my buddies owns a t-shirt company, and his business cards read: President & Director of Brand Initiatives. Another friend runs a consulting firm and lists herself as President & Creative Strategist. Why? You’re already the top dog! Perhaps your inane titles are the reason you have no other employees.

-Every day, I watch two shows on ESPN: Around the Horn during lunch and Pardon the Interruption during dinner. The only problem is, my DVR absolutely refuses to record them automatically, so I’m forced to do it manually every single day. All of my series recordings work except for those two. Why does Time Warner Cable discriminate against my penchant for bickering sportswriters? Plus my Internet is slow as shit and my digital landline service is spotty at best. I swear dealing with Time Warner is like a hardcore adult film: I’m getting triple-teamed and fucked.

-My med school friend just referred to infertile lady parts as “baron.” First of all, you can’t be an OB/GYN if you can’t spell “barren.” Second of all, how do you confuse a vagina with the guy who tries to shoot down Snoopy’s airplane?

-I’ve developed a bizarre wasted activity lately. Instead of drunk dialing everyone in my phone or eating disgusting late night food, I’ll just walk all the way home from the bar no matter how far it is. Last weekend I walked over two and a half miles while nearly blacked out. Let me tell you, the best exercise is the kind you have no recollection of.

-I’m even having technical difficulties with my dishwasher. All of a sudden, it’s turning all of my black spatulas white. Googling it reveals that it’s a common problem among people with too much time on their hands, and is often caused by certain dish detergents, which makes no sense since I’ve been using the same kind forever. Then I asked my dad, who hypothesized that maybe my water is “too hot,” which immediately reminded me of that scene from Major League when one of the fans illogically claims a home run ball is “too high.” Taking all of these erudite suggestions into account, I made an informed and logical decision: I just went out and bought some new fucking spatulas. Hey, at least I finally got to use one of those Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

-And, finally, about a month ago I half-jokingly mentioned on Facebook that I was thinking about joining Match.com. The comments rolled in at a furious pace: some sharing success stories, even more sharing horror stories, and others suggesting that it would at least make for some good material. I did end up signing up just for the hell of it, but I never paid so I don’t even have a profile. I do, however, get a daily email containing “compatible matches” in my area. I’m less interested in the photos, though, which are in most cases predictably ambiguous and misleading, than in what these girls write. Decades from now, their profiles could serve as historical evidence that explains why unmarried women began outnumbering married ones. Ladies, the men you claim to desire do not exist. I’ve never been described as “chivalrous.” No guy has. I’m not saying your standards are unreasonable. But perhaps they’re just a bit…too high. Fuck me.

HOME