-The venerated philosopher Newman once observed, “Love is a spice with many tastes; a dizzying array of textures and moments.” I couldn’t agree more. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am inspired to consider all of the people, places, and things I hold dear. Although nothing beats the love of a good woman, there are some gifts in life – say, a quality rerun of Seinfeld – that come quite close.

-I love the fact that my accountant lists my job description as “entertainer” on my tax return. You know there’s an IRS agent somewhere who just assumes I’m a stripper.

-I love how my mom describes technology. We got her a Kindle for her birthday and she was telling me how the lending feature works. Apparently you can borrow a book from a friend and then have two weeks to read it until the file “disintegrates.” Presumably smoke also billows out of the back like a self-destructing message from Mission Impossible.

-I love my quarterback. Although Eli Manning wears the exact same expression after he’s been sacked as he does when he’s just won the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t trade him for anyone (including pretty boy Tom Brady). I was in the stands at Giants Stadium for Eli’s first career start in 2004, and if you would have told me back then that he’d win two championships in the next eight years, well, I probably would have told you to shut up and buy more beer because they stop serving after halftime.

-I love living right near Melrose Place and knowing it is nothing like the Melrose Place on TV. In fact, there aren’t even any apartment buildings on Melrose Place. Just really expensive stores and an annoying “right turn only” sign I pretend not to see every time.

-I love how there is never any difference in the urgency in Wolf Blitzer’s voice when he returns from a commercial break on CNN. There is no way to tell if there is actual breaking news happening or if he’s going to throw to a story about puppies.

-I love how the solar-powered calculator I used in 7th grade math class still works. Someone should really look into getting that technology onto the roofs of houses.

-I love Kraft Singles. They may be my favorite snack. But I only get the ones made with 2% milk. Otherwise it would be unhealthy.

-I love how T-Mobile sends me a text message whenever my bill is paid and includes an urgent disclaimer that this text message will not count against my plan. I have unlimited text messages.

-I love when people open Twitter accounts for the sole purpose of following reality TV “stars” and people who make sex tapes. Now I know never to talk to you again.

-I love when Valentine’s Day falls in the middle of the week. That’s when couples really have to pay the price. Taking your girlfriend or wife out during the weekend, or even on a Thursday night? That’s child’s play. But schlepping out of the house for a quasi-romantic dinner with half the planet on a random Tuesday? That’s cruel and unusual punishment. It almost makes me happy not to be in love.

-As always, here are some random things I’ve been ruminating about lately…

-The little shaving mirror that is suction-cupped inside my shower falls off with a loud crash about once a month. Also about once a month, I think I hear a burglar/murderer infiltrating my apartment via the shower.

-The “calories burned” function on the treadmill could just be a random number and we would be none the wiser. The only way I can really tell that I’m getting a good workout is when I sweat so much that I can’t work the scroll wheel on my iPod.

-I switched to a Mac exactly five years ago this week. Like most converts, I will never own a PC again. Every once in a while, though, I’ll still come across a program or download that is only Windows compatible. Might as well just say: “Optimized for idiots and old people.”

-I wish every restaurant provided paper napkins. There is just no way you can launder a cloth napkin enough to erase the fact that some dude once spit his olive pit into it. Of course, this is coming from a guy who travels with his own cup so I don’t have to the use the glasses hotels provide. The point is, all communal sanitary items should always be disposable. We can make up for all that additional waste by solar powering more things. Seriously, someone get on that.

-Working from home means I get to dress like a slob, but I never thought that it could also save my life. The other day, a glass lighting fixture in my kitchen fell off the ceiling and cracked me in the head. Luckily the blow was softened because I was wearing a hoodie at two in the afternoon on Wednesday.

-For some reason, the battery on my cordless landline phone only lasts eleven minutes. When I occasionally use it to call customer service, it’s a race against the clock. It literally starts to beep like a ticking time bomb. If the call is being recorded, there’s a beep coming from their end, too. Eventually it’s just a cacophony of beeping and then I get disconnected. I’ve somehow made calling tech support even more annoying.

-Every Super PAC sounds like a fake charity George Costanza would make up.

-And, finally, I’ve long suggested to guys that if you’re dating someone and are ready to get more serious, you should have “the conversation” on February 14th. It might seem a little cheesy, but from then on, every year, your anniversary will fall on Valentine’s Day and you can celebrate both occasions together (known as the “relationship extra-value meal”). However, the one time I actually executed this, we didn’t even make it to the next year. Perhaps my attempt to combine two gifts in one was not the best foundation on which to base a relationship. Though neither was celebrating Valentine’s Day at a restaurant with paper napkins. Fuck me.

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