-In the five years since I published my first Greatest Hits issue, social networking has blossomed. Which means much of what I’ve written since then has circled the Internet many times over, often without any credit. You didn’t really think your friends wrote those clever status updates themselves did you? In any event, since I announced last month that I would be retiring from Ruminations in September, I have begun to think about the legacy I’ll leave behind. So I’ve compiled a second volume of Greatest Hits – my best ponderings of the past half-decade – and I hope you’ll repost your favorites far and wide. This time, though, please tag me – @AaronKaro on Twitter and Aaron Karo on Facebook – so that if I ever have kids they’ll one day know their dad told a beer pong joke with the best of them. For kicks, I’ve also included the issue and year in which the entry originally appeared. Enjoy!

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? [#147, 2009]

-Mixed drinks are like masturbation: only you know exactly how you like it. [#135, 2008]

-Instead of writing a post about how you’ve been too busy to update your blog, just delete your fucking blog. [#174, 2010]

-Why can’t the plugs for all of my electronics just have surge protectors built right in? [#189, 2011]

-Success means being the last one connected to the conference call. [#152, 2009]

-I love being a bachelor. My fridge has a drawer labeled “fresh produce.” That’s where I keep the beer. [#118, 2007]

-If you’re really “very passionate” about the fundraiser you’re organizing, perhaps the email inviting me should have come from you instead of your assistant. [#203, 2012]

-A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. [#147, 2009]

-I was out to dinner with three of my friends recently and realized that one was big and fat, one was tall and skinny, and one was medium-sized. They looked like a team from the original Nintendo ice hockey game. [#141, 2008]

-Shrubs that smell like weed and shit are curiously popular in the landscaping community. [#168, 2010]

-I don’t know if this says more about how spoiled children are these days or how uninformed they are. My friend, a teacher, asked one of her kindergartners how he spent winter break. He responded, “I went to Aspen. It’s in Avocado.” [#198, 2012]

-Dear Future Wife: the most important job you will ever have is to kill spiders for me. [#134, 2008]

-It boggles my mind that more vagrants don’t just steal luggage from the baggage claim. There’s no security down there and hundreds of free life-starter kits are just circling around, ripe for the taking. It’s a hobo’s wet dream. [#159, 2009]

-The only times I ever use the very respectful terms “sir” or “ma’am” are when I’m trying to be as derogatory as possible. [#179, 2010]

-Whenever someone at a wedding remarks, “Wow, this ceremony is going quickly,” rest assured it will last at least half an hour longer. [#152, 2009]

-The most awkward aspect of social networking is when people who aren’t public figures are forced to describe themselves in a little Twitter bio. I cringe when I read something like: “I’m 24. I work in marketing. I like cheese and the Dallas Mavericks.” Really? That’s how you sum yourself up? Cheese made the list!? [#192, 2011]

-There’s nothing that people who get off work at 5pm hate more than being at work at 5:01. [#143, 2009]

-The “signature cocktails” page of the drinks menu should just be titled “women’s section.” [#185, 2011]

-I support and admire our troops, but I have no idea how their ranking system works. Oh, you’re a corporal? So…does that mean you shine boots with a toothbrush, or you’re in charge of the entire army? [#160, 2009]

-I put my friends’ wedding invitations on my fridge, just like people hang their kids’ awful drawings. The sentiment is really the same: I love you but you’re a fucking moron. [#185, 2011]

-Attempting to rotate your mattress by yourself is possibly one of the most depressing – and dangerous – parts of being single. [#157, 2009]

-I’m attracted to successful, ambitious women, but I never know when to call to ask them out. Too early and she’s annoyed I blew up her cell at work. Too late and she’s already in bed, exhausted from a long day. Listen, I’m all for women wearing the pants, but how am I supposed to get in them? [#172, 2010]

-If you work as in-house counsel for a law firm, do you hate your job twice as much? [#153, 2009]

-Stop sending mass emails apologizing that your email account was “hacked into.” You’re a fucking nobody. No one hacked into your account. You have a virus. Probably caught it from stupidity. [#172, 2010]

-What’s worse? The fact that my buddy in med school just called me bragging because he hooked up with an undergrad and woke up in a sorority house? Or the fact that my first question was, “Which house?” [#161, 2009]

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. [#136, 2008]

-I think it’s safe to take the fax number off your email signature. [#161, 2009]

-No one at school is more stressed than the kid with the 4.0. [#174, 2010]

-When a reality show contestant becomes a reality show judge, isn’t that kind of like a Ponzi scheme for talentless people? [#152, 2009]

-I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how easy identity theft must have been in the 1800s. [#161, 2009]

-Every Super PAC sounds like a fake charity George Costanza would make up. [#199, 2012]

-I was reading about this new diet where you’re not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least. [#143, 2009]

-There are very, very few locations in this country where it’s acceptable for your Facebook to list Hometown and Current City as the same place. [#170, 2010]

-The other day I noticed the chick running on the treadmill in front of me was wearing not one but two sports bras. Intrigued, I ran eight minutes longer than usual just so I could be there when she turned around. I literally went the extra mile to see her tits. [#155, 2009]

-And, finally, I leave you with my favorite mom story of all time. At the beginning of the year, my mom was at the mall and decided to buy a new wall calendar. Like a typical mom, she chose one with a different pretty flower each month. She happily hung the calendar in her office and went about her business. Several uneventful months went by. Then, about six weeks ago, a co-worker was standing in my mom’s office and said to her, “That’s quite an interesting calendar you have there.” My mom thanked him, flattered that someone else liked the pretty flower calendar she had picked out. And that’s when her co-worker informed her that these weren’t just any pretty flowers. For the past four months, my mom had unintentionally been displaying a calendar full of marijuana plants. My mom had absolutely no idea and no one else noticed (or admitted they noticed) until that moment. She had a laugh and then called to tell me the story. She also told me she had decided to leave the calendar on the wall. After all, they were still pretty flowers. Fuck me! [#130, 2008]

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