Issue #1 – “College Life After Three Weeks” – September 1997

-First of all, can you believe we’re in fucking college! Do you remember what your room at home looked like? Or what your parents look like? Shit, what the hell happened!?

-When my mom asked me if I know my way around, I said yes, but what I really meant was that I can only find the one room I have class in in each of only four buildings, the frat houses, the places that sell beer, anything open 24 hours, my room, twelve other kid’s rooms, and 7-Eleven.

-I have no idea how to do laundry. No, no, not like I have some idea but just don’t know how much fabric softener to use, I mean I have NO IDEA how to do laundry. I just had this vision that there would be some cute chick in the laundry room every time I went there who would show me how to do it. Dreams die hard, but I have no underwear.

-I really really really really really really really really miss my mommy.

-Three weeks? It seems like three years! Jesus! Every day seems likes a week! Every week is like a month! What the hell is going on here!?

-I have entered a communist society. I own nothing, it all belongs to the university. I have no money, it’s all my parents. My meals are served in little square portions at one brick building during only certain hours of the day! Help, I’m in Russia!

-OK, it’s been fun, now it’s time to go home. Wait, what do you mean this isn’t camp? It seems just like camp! What? Four more years!?

-Do you remember how to drive?

-Back to the cafeteria food – are you kidding me? Honestly, what is this? Mystery meat? My general rule of thumb is that if you have to ask what it is, just have a salad instead.

-College life is like a fucked-up spin cycle: Sleep, Beer, Eat, Work (a little), Beer. Repeat as necessary.

-How can these teachers be soooo boring? Aren’t there any screening processes? Do they just pick these guys off the street and say, “Hey, want to be an Ivy League professor?” I swear to God I have that guy from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” for at least three classes.

-If campus is supposed to be so diverse, how come everyone is white and from Long Island?

-Are you good with names? I fucking forget them as soon as I hear them. Might as well not tell me at all! I have no idea what anyone’s names are except my own, the kids I went to high school with, and that one hot girl who I have never spoken to but stalk from afar.

-Remember when we were in high school and we used to check our email on AOL and all our friends from college would forward us this funny shit, and we’d be like, who the hell writes this stuff? Oh, shit, I’m one of them now. Fuck me.