Issue #2 – “College Life After Five Weeks” – October 1997

-How hot were the first few days of school? I had like fifteen fans going at once in my room and one mini one that I kept directly in my face all day. That’s basically who my good friends are now – the ones who had the best fans, because you were always in their rooms. This one kid had an industrial-sized fan and a grilled cheese maker – he’s my best friend now.

-My school has an obsession with naked men. If you get shut out in beer pong, you have to run naked to the 7-Eleven and back. The night before the first economics exam, if you think you’re going to fail, you streak across the Quad. And on the day of the first snowfall, people run naked too. So all the guys are always grumbling about these stupid traditions. Now, if the girls were running naked, though, it would be a different story. We’d all be sitting around making up shit like the girls have to run naked to my room and back every odd Wednesday. I would serve refreshments. It would be great.

-So I have all this money on a debit card. It’s great, because it’s not real money – you just swipe and poof! – free food! Of course, when my mom gets the bill and asks me how I spent $12,000 on hoagies and Mountain Dew, I’ll just be like, “It was for books!”

-It finally happened. I drank too much and threw up. In my room. I remember nothing. I just woke up in the morning and there was vomit on the rug, mostly concentrated in my left shoe, and Rice Krispies all over the place. “The left shoe?” you ask. Well, my only guess was that the garbage can was too far away. The Rice Krispies on the other hand, I have absolutely no idea where they came from.

-You have to love the communal bathrooms in dorms. When you have to take a shit you go through that little ritual. You know what I’m talking about – first wipe down the seat, then put a strip of toilet paper on each side and, depending on the size of the shit, maybe one on the back of the seat, too. Like that little piece of single-ply generic brand toilet paper is going to stop you from getting hemorrhoids!

-Speaking of bathrooms, all my friends who share a bathroom with just one roommate always brag about how great it is. Personally, I would rather share a toilet with ten other guys than just one. It’s all about the uncertainty principle. When there is something disgusting on the toilet seat in a communal bathroom, you’re never sure who did it. But if you only share the toilet with one other person, you know exactly who the dirty little fucker is – your roommate!

-Continuing on this bathroom theme, my bathroom water has only two temperatures – off and thermonuclear hot. Just about the shower’s only use is for boiling water to make coffee. Even the toilet water is hot – when you flush so much steam comes out it’s like fucking Old Faithful!

-With the increasingly cold weather and the increasingly packed frat parties, comes the paradox of clothing. If you dress warmly for the walk to the party, you’ll sweat to death inside the frat. But if you dress lighter, you’ll freeze to death before you even make it. So really the question is, before you die, would you rather have a couple of beers first?

-How funny is your 9am class? It’s like every week you look at your schedule and say, “Ha! As if I’m waking up for that one! Not a chance in hell!” It’s hilarious to think what you were actually thinking when you scheduled that class.

-The thing with email is that it is so easy to fuck up so hugely. Case in point, the other day I wrote this fairly long letter to one of my good friends, describing in detail my excessive partying and joking about what the girls call me after a night in bed. And then I accidentally sent it to my English professor! The worst part is when the accidental receiver writes back, it’s always something embarrassing like, “Nice message, Big Daddy.” Fuck me.