Issue #4 – “Thanksgiving Edition” – November 1997

-Dry-erase boards. Now there’s a great invention. My pen was stolen the first night so now it’s fucking useless. And stupid me I put it over the peephole by accident and now I can’t get the fucking double-sided tape off so I’m stuck with an obsolete piece of glorified cardboard on my door. Who the hell stole my pen anyway? Is there some underground black market for pens whose mark can be erased so easily? And if there is, who the hell is stupid enough to buy them? It’s just one of those college mysteries.

-So I’m walking back from a frat party at like four in the morning, alone and drunk off my ass, and this homeless guy comes up to me and mumbles something. I didn’t have any change, but I was drunk so I gave him a dollar bill. You know what the dude said to me? “I don’t think you understood me, man, I asked for a cigarette.” So I say, “How can you be so picky? Don’t you know that beggars can’t be choosers?”

-Let’s go back to the bathroom situation. The most difficult part of taking a shower in a communal bathroom is the take-your-towel-off-before-you-get-in-the shower-but-don’t-let-anyone-see-you-naked maneuver. It’s really difficult! If you aren’t quick enough, your towel will get soaked in the shower, but if you’re slow, the dude using the sink right next to you will see all you have to offer. Plus, you have to get the towel to hang correctly on the hook while making sure not to let it touch the pool of urine right below. It’s a fucking obstacle course!

-Let’s continue on the shower situation. I don’t know about your shower, but whoever designed my bathroom’s shower curtain made it as aerodynamic as possible so that the slightest gust of air blows it completely off. If someone slams the door hard enough while you’re taking a shower, the curtain blows right out the fucking window! And it always happens when you’re washing your face so that your eyes are closed and don’t notice the curtain is gone for like two minutes.

-You guys have that cup. I know you do. You know, that one all-purpose cup that you use for everything from cereal to orange juice to shots of Johnnie Walker Black Label and never ever clean. At the end of the week that shit is sticky as hell. And there’s always that poor spoon that gets stuck in the cup forever.

-Is your hallway like the Loud Music Awards? It seems that everybody is trying to blast their music as loud as possible. This one fucker went away for the weekend and left his stereo on full blast with that Jamiroquai song on repeat. He’s dead now.

-This has nothing to do with college, but, hell, this my thing and I’ll talk about whatever I want! Isn’t one of the greatest feelings in the world when you discover pockets? You know, when you get a new pair of sweat pants or a fleece and you don’t think it has pockets because they’re kind of hidden, and then like two weeks later you just put your hands in there and find them? Such a great moment! What can I tell you? I’m a simple man.

-Do you have any classes in one of those large, semi-circular lecture halls with swivel chairs all around? The swivel chairs are pretty cool, but sometimes I feel like I’m flying in the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars. Come to think of it, the kid next to me does kind of look like Chewbacca…

-For some reason my friends find it funny to email me all these porn videos. For instance, just today I got one of a girl blowing a horse. Now that was just what I needed before lunch! I get so many fucking pornos that I think my computer has a virus. No, not like a computer virus – an actual sexually transmitted disease. Right now I’m wearing a full body condom just to write this. Fuck me.