Issue #5 – “College Life After First Semester” – December 1997

-Well, first semester is drawing to a close, and what wild ride it has been. I have never consumed so many toxic substances, expelled as many body fluids, or did as much work as I have in the last few months. I guess college is kind of like an economics problem: you want to maximize toxic substances consumed, minimize body fluids expelled, and do a decent amount of work. Of course, that’s all theory. In reality, I end up doing twelve kegstands, puking my brains out, and sleeping through my econ quiz.

-Speaking of puking, you ever notice that when you have to throw up, nothing will stop you from getting to the bathroom? I’m drinking in my room the other night and I get that feeling in my throat, so I knock my chair down, bust open my door, sprint down the hallway, knock some chick down the stairs, barge into the bathroom, break down the stall door, and then what do I do? Throw up on the toilet paper dispenser, completely missing the toilet.

-So we all have finals coming up. What’s with these exams at night? My foreign language final is at like 6:30pm – it’s like a fucking meal. If someone asks me what I’m having for dinner that night, I’ll be like, “Italian.”

-I’m obsessed with this gorgeous junior girl who of course won’t give me the time of day. But I really don’t understand why. I don’t think she understands that she being a gorgeous junior girl and me being a lowly freshman guy, that the first eleven times we hooked up, she wouldn’t even have to move. I swear I would do all the work, she could just lie on her back the whole time. Why wouldn’t she want that? I don’t understand!

-During Thanksgiving break I played in an alumni soccer game. My graduating class played the current varsity squad. My team was sad. I have never seen such a group of finely honed athletes degenerate into a bunch of fat, slow, beer-bellied slobs in such short time, but I guess college will do that to you. Hell, we were winning in the first half until we ran out of steam and got crushed. Fuck high school kids.

-Our first semester of college is about over and some things are exactly the same as they were the first day: I still don’t know anybody’s name (I’m always like, “What’s up bro? “How’s it going, man?”), I still don’t know how to do laundry (did you know you have to wash your sheets?), and my room still reeks (I thought that milk lasts like a month or so!). Things that have changed since the first day? Drinking capacity: increased. Sleep time: decreased. Taste for beer: increased. Taste for shitty, cheap beer: increased exponentially. Personal hygiene: decreased. Need to get fucked up continuously: increased. Long range projectile vomit ability: increased exponentially. Accuracy: decreased. Fuck me.