Issue #11 – “Thanksgiving Edition” – November 1998

-Does this happen to you?  You’re at a party, hanging out, drinking a few beers.  You sit down, put your half-full beer can on the table, and turn to talk to someone.  You look back a split-second later and notice that there are a thousand identical beer cans on the table and you have no idea which one is yours!  Then you start to pick each one up, because you think you know how heavy yours was, but they all feel the same and you can’t find yours.  Finally, you just give up and have to go fight your way to get another beer.   This always happens to me and it sucks!

-So two weeks ago was Halloween and my frat had a big costume party at the house.  I noticed that a lot of girls come to costume parties dressed as whores for no reason.  They wear these little tiny skirts and high heels and all this make-up and look just like hookers.  But they always say they’re dressed as something else: “I’m a French maid, I’m an exotic dancer.”  No you’re not, you’re dressed like a whore for absolutely no reason other than it’s Halloween!  Who are you kidding?

-Do you have friends that leave their phone number on your answering machine every time?  I have this one good friend from high school who I speak to every week or so.  And every time the kid calls me and leaves a message on my machine, he leaves his number.  I have your number already, what the hell is wrong with you?

-Doesn’t it suck how you’re always bragging to your friends at other colleges how awesome your school is and how much you party and when they finally come and visit, it’s the worst weekend ever?  And you try to explain to them that it’s not usually like this, but they totally don’t believe you.

-I hate when girls wear glitter on their eyes.  What the fuck is that all about?  Glitter was in when we were in nursery school and then maybe came back about two years ago, but now that stupid trend it done!  You guys look ridiculous with that shit on your face anyway – kind of reminds me of the Mother’s Day card I made in second grade!  Stop the glitter!

-This past weekend, Penn beat Harvard in football to capture the Ivy League championship and it was one of the best days of my college career.  Because here at Penn, we have a tradition that goes beyond the usual tearing down of the goalposts.  After we tear them down, we are supposed to carry them out of the stadium – only this year they locked the stadium gates.  So we used the uprights as a battering ram to knock down the gate, carried the goalposts through campus, out into Philadelphia, onto the expressway, and then threw them in the river.  I almost got trampled to death in the midst of all this – and have the cuts and bruises to prove it, but it definitely ranks as one of the best college traditions ever.  In fact, I think whenever your team wins anything, you should tear something down and throw it in the nearest river.

-Quote of the Month: Jason S., Cornell.  After being initiated into his fraternity, he said, “I’ll never pledge a fraternity again.”  I don’t think you have to worry about that you fucking idiot.

-I hate those kids who overreact in class when the teacher accidentally makes that screeching sound on the blackboard.  Does it really bother you that goddamn much?  These girls are screaming and whining and running out of the room.  What the hell is wrong with you?  It’s just a sound, quit acting like it’s the end of the world!

-Why do people feel the need to take their shoes off while taking a test or studying?

-Before college had you ever heard of Yaffa Blocks?

-Why do girls send the dumbest forwards ever?  Just when I think that I’ve seen them all, another one of my girl friends sends me a good luck tiger or a magical turtle.  And other times it’s the biggest hoaxes ever – Bill Gates is giving money away, some dude in Texas needs a liver.  And people actually believe they’re true!  My friend comes running into my room the other day saying that he got an email that Disney is giving away money.  I’m like, it’s fake, how dumb are you?  I’m sick of these idiots.  The only forwards you should be getting are mine.

-How about when you’re in a friend’s room and he calls you over to look at something he has on his computer – and then proceeds to read it out loud while you’re looking at it.  I’m right fucking next to you – I can read it myself!

-Ever notice than when you’re really drunk and you hurt yourself really badly, it’s the funniest thing in the world?  You’ll be stumbling along and fall, and you’ll be like, “Oh my God, I think I broke my ankle, how funny is this, I’m hurt really bad!”  And you can’t stop laughing but the next morning your ankle is so swollen you need to get crutches.

-My mom doesn’t understand how I go out on Thursday nights – she can’t comprehend going out on school nights.  I try to explain that it’s not really a school night, but she doesn’t get it.  Moms are weird like that.

-Why is it so hard to raise your GPA?  I think they make it so it’s mathematically impossible to raise it after freshman year.  Ever sit down and figure out what you need to get in order to raise your GPA to a certain number?  It always comes out that you need like a 4.6 in every class until you graduate – and you think to yourself, fuck me!