Issue #10 – “Life after Two Months as a Sophomore” – October 1998

-Do you have that one poster in your room that has fallen down every single day so far? And it’s always right over your bed so it falls on you in the middle of the night and scares the shit out of you? And the funny thing is you’re too lazy to put any extra tape on it to make it stick so you put it back up knowing full well that it’s going to fall down again in about twelve hours.

-You ever notice that when you’re falling asleep in class, there is absolutely nothing that can keep you awake? You’re sitting in the most uncomfortable chair with the teacher blabbing on and on and you’re using your books as a pillow and the one thing in the whole world you want to do right then is go to sleep. But when class is finally over, you go home and lay in your bed and you can’t fucking fall asleep!

-The other day my friends and I got fucked up and pranked our old rooms from last year and asked for ourselves. Trust me, it was hilarious at the time.

-You know what really pisses me off? Kids who highlight everything in the reading for a class. First of all, it’s like bragging to anyone within a two-mile radius that you were dorky enough to analyze the entire reading. Second of all, what the fuck is the point of doing it if you are just going to highlight every other word!? That’s completely useless you assholes!

-I noticed something weird the other night. As far as our fraternity house goes, girls always get freaked out and start to leave around midnight. It’s like they’re afraid something bad will happen after midnight – like in Gremlins. And speaking of Gremlins, if you can’t feed them after midnight, then when the fuck can you feed them?

-Quote of the Month: Justin C. from Penn. When told that yet another Penn freshman went to the hospital with alcohol poisoning, he said, “Thank God I drank in high school!” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-I figured out the essential different between high school and college. In high school, if you had to get up really early the next morning, you just went to bed early. But in college, if you have to get up really early the next morning, you stay up all night… and get wasted!

-How funny is taking classes pass/fail? Why don’t they just call it, “doing as poorly as possible without actually getting an F,” because that’s what everyone does anyway!

-The worst is Friday morning classes, of which I am lucky enough to have two this semester. You can just feel the collective hangover in the air. No one speaks, everyone is yawning. Occasionally you see that guy in the back shaking his head and muttering to himself, probably remembering something dumb thing he did last night when he was bombed.

-Do you have that friend who always asks what is going on that night… at like 11am? I just fucking woke up, I haven’t spoken to anybody yet, how the fuck would I know? There should be some type of restriction on how early you can ask about that night.

-Why the fuck does the teacher hand out a syllabus on the first day of class that already has reading assigned for that day. Need I even say more?

-I know this kid who is so lazy, he ordered the laundry service last year. But that’s not the bad part. He was too lazy to bring his bag over to the drop-off point, so he ended up doing his own laundry anyway. Who does that? Of course this is the same kid who stayed summer session and took a cab to class and back… every day!

-By the way, I finally did my own laundry the other day. It’s really not that bad! It’s almost kind of fun. I don’t know why I made such a big deal out of it

-I assume that most dorms in the country have extra-long twin size beds. How the fuck are you supposed to hook up on one of these things? You roll over once and you’re on the ground! Of course now that I have a full-size bed in the frat house, what do I do? I sleep only on one side!

-And speaking of beds. Why the fuck do girls have so many goddamn pillows? Is this normal? Did you have that many pillows at home or are you just showing off how many fucking Polo Sport pillow cases you have?

-Guys, have you ever noticed that if a girl is really cute and she says hello to you in a high-pitched voice, you answer back in a high-pitched voice without even realizing it?

-Living in the fraternity house does have its luxuries. For instance, we have our own cook and all the bathrooms are men’s. It occurred to me that this may be the only time in my life where I will be able to have bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches on demand and also piss in urinals. Yes, this is what I spend my time thinking about. Fuck me.