Issue #13 – “Ruminations on Greek Life” – January 1999

-Rush has just drawn to a close here at Penn and thank God!  If I have to spend one more night hanging out with a bunch of guys and no girls except a couple of skanky strippers, I think I’ll go crazy!

-Girl’s Rush is the most ridiculous thing of all, with all these nametags and scantron sheets where you have to bubble your choices in.  So basically if you forgot a number two pencil that day, you get cut – how dumb is that?

-I think you can sum up Greek life this way: sororities are a bunch of girls who hate each other, organized to travel in herds and fight over frat boys.  Fraternities are a bunch of guys who love each other, organized to get wasted faster and cheaper and hook up with sorority girls.

-And the weirdest shit happens during Rush.  Last week, ZBT made our annual trip to Atlantic City.  One rush freaked out and decided he needed to go home two hours early.  So he hops in a cab at the hotel and starts to make his way back to Philly.  Halfway there, the rush tells the cabby that he needs to stop at an ATM when they get there so he can take out more money.  So the cabby pulls over to the side of the highway and throws the kid out!  So now he is trying to hail a cab on the side of the expressway and ends up getting picked up by a state trooper who takes him back to Atlantic City, but not before giving him a ticket for hitchhiking.  Who the hell gets a ticket for hitchhiking?  Only during Rush!  Plus we had one kid swallow the coin during a game of quarters.  Where do we find these guys?

-Here is one conversation that always bothers me.  I’m talking to someone and they ask me what frat I’m in.  So I tell them ZBT.  Then they proceed to ask me if I know this brother, do I know that brother?  I know every brother you stupid fuck, I’m in the goddamn fraternity!

-Before I go on, I’d like to address some of the letters I have been getting telling me that it is disrespectful to refer to my fraternity as a “frat.”  Well, I have no idea what backwards school you go to, but I’m a frat boy, I live in a frat house, and I go to frat parties.  If you’re that politically correct, then your ‘fraternity’ is pretty lame.

-Quote of the Month: Jay R. from Penn, when asked by a friend who he should take to our date party, replied, “It’s not who you take, but who you take home with you that counts.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-What bothers me is that frats get blamed whenever someone drinks at their house and then does something stupid.  If you drink at my house, then go home and fall down the stairs, who’s fucking fault is that?  Certainly not mine.  The only one who should get blamed for drinking too much is the person doing the drinking.  It’s not difficult to be responsible.  When I turn 21, I’m not going to do 21 shots.  You know why?  Because I’ll fucking die!

-A lot of frats get kicked off campus, and deservedly so, but for the most ridiculous reasons.  One frat here at Penn got kicked off a few years ago for kidnapping a brother in another fraternity and basically torturing the kid for a night!  How fucking dumb are these people?  What did you think was going to happen – the kid would just forget about it?  Obviously, they got kicked off in about 30 seconds.

-I have become one of those kids who never leave the house.  Why should I when I have everything I need – food, beer, and girls – right under one roof?  This place is like a supermarket, a bar, and a whorehouse all rolled into one.  So basically it’s Heaven.

-The other night one of my brothers went out and got raging drunk.  He woke up the next morning, naked, in a hospital with an IV in his arm.  And he has no idea how he got there.  Now I can party with the best of them, but I usually wake up in my own house knowing approximately where I was the previous night.  This kid is ridiculous.  The funniest part is that at some point in the night, a nurse asked him for ID.  He accidentally gave her his fake ID.  So his hospital tag had someone else’s name and birth date on it, the bill will be going to some fake address in New Jersey, and my friend’s parents will never find out about it!

-Another brother of mine is a great fencer.  But it’s not like he’s one of the best in our school or one of the top players in the state.  He ranked #1 in the fucking country!  Imagine you were the best fencer in America!  I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck fencing is in the first place.  How does one take up fencing?  All I know is that he poked me in the ribs with a pen the other day and it killed!

-Just a word about the beer games Beirut and Beer Pong, because some people seem to get them confused.  Beirut is when you line up many cups of beer on both sides of a table and try to throw a ping-pong ball into them.  I personally think this game is pretty fucking stupid.  Beer Pong uses ping-pong paddles and you actually try to hit the ball into two cups of beer on each side of the table.  Our house revolves around Beer Pong.  The best is when someone gets shut out 11-0 and has to run naked to the police station and back.  Even better when girls do it.

-Being a part of the Greek system means going to a lot of mixers, date parties, semi-formals, and formals.  And I can tell you that after a year, none of us have any idea what the fuck to wear.  We run around going, “Do I have to wear a tie?  Do we need a jacket?” and have to eventually call a sorority girl to find out we can’t wear jeans to the date party.

-One final note.  I love my frat brothers to death.  But when I look at my friend who is pre-med, I think, I saw this drunken fool throw up on himself last night, there is no way I would every let him operate on me!  I see my friend who is pre-law and think, this kid gets wasted and breaks shit every night, I would never let him represent me in court!  So I guess that is what fraternities are all about – getting fucked up and making friends for life – and knowing who you want to stay away from later in life when you need a doctor or a lawyer!  Fuck me.