Issue #14 – “The Many Types of College Students” – February 1999

-In many ways, going to class is like Sea World.  If you choose to sit in the first two rows, you know you are going to get called on.  That’s the splash zone because you know you have to pay attention or else you’ll get soaked.  And everyone in the other rows is just sitting back and eating popcorn because they know they’ll never have to answer any questions.

-A lot of my friends have been celebrating their twentieth birthdays.  It’s kind of weird because its like they’re all men and I’m still just a kid.  It’s also kind of depressing.  Being a teenager is an excuse to do all kinds of dumb shit.  People in their twenties are like real people.  I don’t want to be real person!

-There are two kinds of kids who really annoy me.  The nodders and the flash-card-makers.  A nodder is that dork in the front of the class who doesn’t ever say anything but just nods his head in approval at whatever the teacher says.  Teachers like nodders because it gives them the impression that someone has a clue about what the fuck they are talking about.  Then there are the people who make flash cards before every single test.  Even math!  There are no fucking definitions, what the hell are you quizzing yourself on?  If the flash-card-makers would spend more time studying and less time making color-coded flash cards, they would do a lot better.  Obviously the nodders and the flash-card-makers sit in the splash zone.

-Women confuse me.  Everyone always makes fun of how they go to the bathroom in herds.  Did you ever notice that you never get a straight answer when you ask them why?  No one really knows.  What, do they hold each other up or something?  And they’re always giggling and chatting – just hurry the fuck up!  That’s one huge advantage guys have – they can piss anywhere.  Sometimes we will go on the floor even if there is a bathroom just because the floor is closer.  My friend once pissed out the window of a moving bus.  That was cool.

-It is also a given that girls take forever to get ready.  And I’m OK with that, they have a lot of washing and plucking and combing and shit to do.  But here is a simple request to the women of the world.  If you know it takes you so long, just fucking start getting ready sooner!  Is this not the most obvious thing to you?  That would eliminate us guys from having to wait at the door for ten minutes while you yell down, “I’ll be ready in a second!” which is obviously never true.

-Quote of the Month: Jeremy B., from Penn.  I asked him if he had ever brought a woman to climax, to which he responded, “Girls don’t have orgasms, it’s just a myth.”

-Then you have the big backpack people.  These are the kids who walk around hunched over because they have every single book with them at all times.  Sometimes their bags are so full the zipper can’t even stay shut.  The big backpack people don’t seem to be ever be reading their books, just carrying them around.  And what’s with these backpacks with 45 straps hanging off them in every direction.  Do they serve a purpose?  You’re going to class not climbing fucking Mt. Everest!

-Maybe the only thing worse than the big backpack people are the slow walkers.  The slow walkers like to stroll leisurely side-by-side up the stairs right in front of you.  Instead of walking by them you have to get up right behind them to try to get them to hurry up and are forced to listen to their stupid conversations about flash cards and big backpacks.  Leave a lane for passing you assholes!

-Since I go to school in the city, I always see skateboarders jumping off rails and shit in front of the classroom buildings.  Skateboarders are an odd bunch.  Do they ever land on the board?  I stood and watched them for a while and they all fell on their asses about fifty times, each time more painful then the next.  You’d think after flying face first down the fucking steps they’d just roll straight for a while.

-Parents always call at the worst times.  Two of my favorites: when you are in your dorm room pre-gaming with a bunch of people and everyone is loud and drinking.  The phone rings and when you find out who it is you have to say in a very loud voice, “HI MOM!” so that everyone in the rooms knows to shut the hell up.  Or, when you’re hooking up and you let the phone ring and then you have to hear your dad on the answering machine explaining how it’s your grandmother’s birthday.  Somehow I find it difficult to perform in bed while listening to my dad talk about my grandma.

-I know a place where there is no sexism or racism.  Where people are not judged by their appearance or religion or anything.  It is the world of finding subletters for your apartment to live there when you go abroad.  I see my friends looking for anyone with a pulse and a wallet to live in their room next year.  I think if everyone was looking for subletters this world would be a better place.

-The worst kids are the ones who change their answering machine message when they go away for the weekend or something.  And they leave the phone number and address of where they can be reached.  Don’t worry, I don’t need to speak to so badly that if you leave for two days I’m gonna write you a fucking letter or call long distance.  And then when they come back they forget to change the message back so you never know where the fuck they are.

-And, finally, who are these people who punctuate every sentence in an email with a 🙂 or 😮 ?  What the hell is that shit?  If you’re happy or excited, just fucking say it instead of making me decipher a goddamn semicolon face.  What are you, a fucking mime?  If only there was an emoticon for “Fuck me!”