Issue #16 – “Life After Sophomore Year” – April 1999

-It’s pretty difficult to become a college professor.  First, you have to get your Bachelor’s degree.  Then, you have to go back to school to get a Masters.  After that you have go to school for another couple of years, write a hundred-page thesis, and get your Phd.  Even then you still have to get your work published in order to get hired.  So what happens after these professors go through all those years of school and get all those degrees?  They lose the ability to realize that they have chalk all over their face, hands, and ass while lecturing in front of three hundred students.  You can tell every place your teacher scratches because he leaves a trail of chalk dust and doesn’t realize.  And of course, no student is going to stand up and tell the professor, so the chalkiness continues.

-Most college students rely on an ATM to get their money.  I think ATM fees are the biggest load of bullshit ever.  I love when it asks me, “There is a three dollar charge for this transaction, would you like to continue?’  Well what the fuck am I supposed to do, print the money myself?  Like I really have a choice.  I have one ATM in the whole world that doesn’t charge me fees and it’s 150 miles away in my hometown.  And did you ever notice that when you look at your receipt, your balance is never what you expected it to be?

-And what is with these credit card companies who hire people to stand outside and try to get you to give them your credit information in exchange for a free t-shirt.  Does anyone actually give them their real information?  How do they make money from this?  Meanwhile, I get a different “pre-approved” double platinum Visa card in the mail every day and I have never used a credit card in my life!

-It’s funny when you’re all out drinking and one of your friends hurts himself because you always ask the kid who is pre-med to take care of him.  Like this kid who took two biology classes knows what the fuck he’s doing.  If anything, the pre-med kids are even drunker because they’re so stressed with organic chemistry and MCATs.

-Because of recent events at the University of Pennsylvania, the administration has decided to make the campus dry indefinitely, meaning no parties with alcohol.  Now Penn is not a very politically active campus.  When a Chinese leader, accused of human rights violations, came to speak on campus, there was barely a peep from the students.  When it was discovered that clothing with the school logo on it might be made in sweatshops, no one really cared.  But when they tried to take our beer away, we fought like never before, marching one thousand strong to the center of campus for a protest rally that eventually ended the dry policy.  It just goes to show what college students really care about these days.

-Speaking of the school logo, there is always that dilemma about when you can wear it.  It doesn’t really make sense to wear your college’s hat when you are actually at school, since everyone goes there.  But when I go home and wear a Penn hat, I kind of feel like I am showing off.  So basically I can’t wear anything with my school logo on it ever.  Well, who gives a fuck, they’re made in sweatshops anyway!

-At some point next year, I will be moving out of my frat house and into an off-campus apartment.  The apartments are about two or three blocks from the center of campus.  To me, it makes no sense to live off-campus – it’s a longer way to class and the houses are shittier.  It’s like, congratulations, you’re an upperclassman now, you get to walk farther and live dirtier.  Thanks a lot.

-This past weekend was Spring Fling at Penn, basically an enormous three-day party.  Despite the stupid dry policy, everyone pretty much managed to get shithoused anyway.  Spring Fling is the time when even those kids who haven’t been out all year get drunk.  You know that kid in English class who annoys you by asking all those stupid questions?  Well, now he is annoying you at a party and asking you all those stupid questions and telling you how wasted he is even though he’s only had one beer.  It’s times like those when I wish some people actually followed the dry policy.

-Quote of the Month: Jared C., from Penn.  On the Thursday of Spring Fling, I asked him what his plans were for the weekend.  He responded, “My only goal is to actually wake up Sunday morning.”  Obviously, this kid is one of the reasons why our campus went dry.

-Something that always happens to me: You’re walking with one of your friends and another kid, who only your friend knows, comes walking toward the two of you.  Your friend and the kid stop to talk.  Do you keep walking, do you stand a few feet away and look impatient, or do you stand right next to them and wait to be introduced?  It’s an awkward situation no matter what you do.

-Then you have those kids that are the first to wear shorts and a t-shirt when the weather starts to get warmer.  You know, on that day where it’s a little bit sunnier, but definitely still too cold to wear shorts, there is always that kid who has to wear sandals, shorts, a tank top, and sunglasses?  And they will never admit they’re cold when you know they’re fucking freezing.

-In a few weeks, I will be officially be a junior.  That scares the hell out of me.  Though, I take comfort in knowing that the last two years of my life were amazing.  But looking back on the good old days is kind of weird.  Did you know that now you can get your SAT scores back in ten days over the phone?  Achievement tests are now the “SAT II” and no one knows what it means to have your scores “re-centered.”  Going home is also surreal.  Grandma is still shrinking, my old room is so cheesy, I had to go to the public library to study, I can’t remember how to drive, and making plans involves a thousand phone calls and someone stupid enough to drive everyone around.  You can record CDs now on things called “burn drives.”  We had that back in the day – only it was called “high-speed dub.”  I guess one day people will be wondering what “beer pong” and “kegstands” are.  But that day is hopefully far away.  Still, I only have two more years to live the greatest life of all – college life.  Fuck me!