-Do you have that friend that still goes away to camp every summer?  What is wrong with these people?  At the end of every summer you have to hear from them about camp: “Oh, my bunk was so awesome!  And color war was great!  We won, but it was the closest score ever!”  Are you kidding me?  They say it was the closest score every year!  You’re twenty years old, get a damn job!

-In every graduating class from high school, there’s always like five couples that decide that they are staying together when they go away to college.  This always baffles me.  Of all the couples from your school who did this, how many are still together?  Zero!  That’s because it never works!  Who are you kidding?  Instead of talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend who is 500 miles away on the phone (“Oh, I can’t wait to see you over Thanksgiving”), get a clue and hook up with as many people as possible!

-Going out drinking with my friends is like being in the cartoon Snow White and the Seven Drunk Dwarfs.  There’s Sloppy: the kid that always pukes at some point in the night.  There’s Forgetful: the guy who wakes up in a ditch somewhere and can never remember how he got there.  There’s Angry: the one who gets drunk and tries to fight everyone, no matter how much bigger they are than him.  There’s Tipsy: the kid who’s wasted off two beers.  There’s Helpful: the kid who never really gets that drunk, so he’s always able to help the other Dwarfs when they get into trouble.  There’s Sneezy: the guy who’s on antibiotics but drinks anyway and ends up getting twice as fucked up as everyone else but can’t figure out why.  And, of course, there’s Horny, who has poor judgment when he drinks and thinks he’s going home with Snow White but ends up waking up next to a fat chick.

-I don’t understand why my professors still can’t work the audio-visual equipment in the classrooms.  Trying to watch a video becomes a half-hour ordeal because this jerk with seven Phds can’t figure out the VCR.  Just hit play you asshole!

-I always hear these stories about crazy shit happening in the library – guys getting head in the computer lounge from random girls, kids getting laid in the study lounge in the middle of the day.  Who are these people?  Why does this never happen to me?  Maybe I’m studying in the wrong place?

-This is pretty random, but it pisses me off anyway: when you’re getting information from someone over the phone, why do they always say, “C as in Charlie, E as in Elephant, P as in Paul…”  I’m like, how about S as in shut the fuck up I can understand you!

-It’s funny how much guys need alcohol in order to talk to girls.  My friend wanted to hit on this girl in our finance class, but could not bring himself to talk to her while sober.  So one day he made himself a big Jack and Coke and brought it to class.  This thing reeked, but he drank it anyway.  Only thing was, the girl didn’t come to class that day and he ended up passing out twenty minutes later.  It was a good idea, though.

-How about this one: you’re in the video store trying to pick out a movie.  You finally pick one out and someone says, “Oh, don’t get that, it was on TV last week.”  Who the fuck cares?  Is it on TV right now?  No?  Good, then all the more reason to rent it.

-A couple of weeks ago my fraternity had its annual Toga Party.  There’s nothing like a house full of freshmen, drunk out of their heads, wearing nothing but sheets.  It’s amazing how in college this kind of social behavior is not only condoned, but actually encouraged.  I was watching the party and thinking to myself, in four years all these people will graduate with Ivy League degrees, won’t know a Roman from a Greek, but will able to take a piss while wasted and wearing a toga.

-Why is it that when the fire alarm goes off in the dorm, everyone’s first reaction is always, “There’s no way there’s a fire, it must be a false alarm.”  That seems a little counterproductive to me.

-Why is it that when girls call you on the phone, you say hello, and they say, “Hi, do you know who this is?”  What the fuck is that?  Just tell me who you are like a normal person!  Why make me guess?

-Why does my girlfriend dry the flowers I give her immediately after I give them to her?  I’m like, “I got you these flowers today.”  And she’s like, “Oh, these are beautiful” and proceeds to unwrap them, take them out of the little water holder, and hang them upside- down to die.  At least give them a chance to live!  At least pretend like you are going to water them instead of murdering them right in front of me!

-Why does my dad insist on wearing Penn paraphernalia every time he comes to visit?  It’s Parent’s Weekend and my dad shows up wearing a Penn hat, a Penn shirt, a Penn jacket, etc.  Dad, everyone here goes to Penn!

-My mom’s response to every problem is always, “You drink too much.”  Mom, I’m not feeling well.  “You drink too much.”  Mom, I got a C on my last test.  “Maybe it’s because you drink too much.”  Mom, the football team lost.  “They drink too much.”

-How come no matter how much you pray when you first move into the dorm that a hot chick will move in next door who only wants to hook up with you, does it always turn out to be a fat dude that smells?

-Why do people try to pretend like their dogs aren’t shitting?  I’m walking on campus, I see a guy walking his dog on a leash.  The dog walks over to a tree, in broad daylight, and starts taking a shit.  This guy is standing there holding the leash, looking the other way, and whistling like nothing is going on.  I’m like, your dog is obviously taking a crap in the middle of the sidewalk, don’t act like nothing is going on and clean that up!  Who are you trying to fool here?

-And now, Ruminations goes abroad.  This summer I lived in London.  The hardest part about arranging the trip was calling over there with the time difference.  I had to call between like 4am and 11am.  Those are the worst times for a college student.  At 11am I’m sleeping, and at 4am I’m either drunk or sleeping, so it was kind of difficult.  I ended up just emailing instead.

-College life in England is a lot different than here in the States.  First of all, the drinking age is 18 and there was a bar in the dorm that I was staying in.  A bar in the dorm!  The British are obviously more responsible drinkers than us, because if there were bars in every dorm in America and the legal age was 18, we’d be the drunkest humans on earth!  No one would do work, no one would graduate.  Everyone would be wasted all the time.  It would be great.

-I had to fly home from London for a weekend because I had to go to a wedding.  I actually brought my laundry all the way home with me on the plane.  What can I say?  I really hate doing laundry!

-Quote of the Month: Jon D. from Penn, a lazy man himself, recently said, “I’m going to buy 365 pairs of underwear.”  I think he’s got me beat on that one.

-While in Amsterdam, my friends and I were watching an anti-NATO parade.  That was pretty entertaining until the protestors realized that I was wearing a t-shirt with an American flag on the back.  Then I ended up leading the parade – as they chased me through the streets!

-In some ways, the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City is a lot like the red light district in Amsterdam.  In the Sistine Chapel, everybody is always bumping into each other because they’re all looking up at the paintings on the ceiling.  In the red light district, everybody is always bumping into each other because they’re all looking at the hookers in the window.

-Since I lived in a dorm in London, of course there were RAs.  Whether in America or England, who would ever want to be an RA?  You live with a bunch of brats three years younger than you and get them in trouble if they drink in their rooms.  What kind of asshole would want to do that?  In London, my RA was particularly strict.  She once came to our room at 10:30pm on a Saturday night and asked us to turn down the music.  We were listening to a clock radio!  I’m was like, this shit doesn’t even wake me up when the alarm goes off in the morning!

-And, finally, the British have some very interesting slang.  They don’t get wasted, they get “pissed.”  Kids kept telling me how pissed they were – “I’m pissed, she’s pissed, he’s pissed.”  I always thought everyone was mad at me.  Turns out they were just drunk.  Fuck me.

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