Issue #8 – “Life after Freshman Year” – April 1998

-Taking exams at school is easy. Figuring out the curve is the hard part. I have no idea how the curve works. How do I get a 25 and get an A? How do I get a 95 and get a C? Do you ever get the feeling that the curve is just one big conspiracy against you? Like before you got to class the teacher and everybody else figured out the exact mean and standard deviation that would screw you the most? Those bastards.

-The worst part about the curve is that my parents don’t understand it either. Like the following conversation between my dad and me. Dad: So, how was your test? Me: Pretty hard, but everyone else thought it was hard too so the curve might not be that bad. Dad: Don’t worry about anyone else but yourself. Me: I know, but if everyone does badly, then I can still do well. Dad: Why don’t you just try harder, are you on drugs? Me: No Dad, its the curve. Last test I got an A even though my test grade was a 46, because of the curve. Dad: You got a 46? We’re not sending you any more money.

-Of course the only way to beat the curve is to not take the test. How? Make an excuse! I’ve heard some whoppers in my day, but here’s one my unnamed friend at UCLA used. He did no work for his Accounting class and got a D. So he told the department head that he had swollen testicles the whole semester, was in a lot of pain, and was too embarrassed to tell the professor. He got the grade dropped! I love college.

-Everyone is always saying, “I go to bed so late. I don’t sleep enough. I have to catch up on my sleep.” I get too much sleep. I’m sleeping all the time. I have to set my alarm just to wake up at 4pm. Catch up on sleep? I think I have to catch up on my “awake” because I have no clue what the hell goes on during the day.

-Isn’t this one of the greatest moments in college? You’re wasted, absolutely trashed. You go back to your room and you’re kind of fucking around when the phone rings. It’s your best friend from home. And he’s wasted too!! You both scream for 25 minutes about how wasted you both are and how you’re going to visit each other at college and get wasted and how you’re gonna get so wasted over the summer. Then you both pass out and don’t remember you even spoke to each other. I love college.

-The one thing I’m psyched about leaving school for the summer is not smelling like smoke all the time. Doesn’t it seem like every single person in college smokes cigarettes? I personally don’t, but, inevitably, I’ll come home from a party (or anyplace else), and as soon as I pull my shirt over my head, there’s that nasty smoke smell. Even my shoes smell like smoke. I might as well fucking smoke.

-The dry cleaners on campus here suck. They’re the worst. I wear a pair of khakis, I get some dirt on them, so I take them to the dry cleaners. You know what the guy says to me? “I don’t know if we can get this out.” What the fuck do you mean you can’t get this out? It’s fucking dirt! What purpose do you serve? I bring in dirty pants and you give me back pants that are still dirty, folded nicely on a hangar with a plastic bag? What kind of bullshit is that? You’re the fucking dry cleaners!! Get that shit wet if you have to.

-This past weekend was Spring Fling here at Penn – a three-day party where everyone gets absolutely wasted. It was fucking ridiculous. This is about all I remember: kegs in every dorm room, a forty-foot funnel in the stairwell, crowd surfing. I love college.

-How about those kids in lecture who write down everything. Teacher puts something on the board, he writes it down. Teacher sneezes, kid makes a note of it. The kid is writing shit when the teacher isn’t even fucking talking! And you’re sitting there thinking, “Should I be writing this down?”

-Well, freshman year is almost over and it was the best year of my life. You can sure learn a hell of a lot in one year! School is pretty confusing, but I’ve come up with “Karo’s Theory on College Life,” so here goes. There are four basic things to do in college: 1) hang out with your friends, 2) hook up, 3) get wasted, 4) do work. Problem is, you can only accomplish three out of the four things at any one time. You can get drunk with your boys all the time and then go hook up, but you probably won’t do any work. You can get some work done, chill with your girlfriend, and get wasted, but you’ll never see your boys. So that’s what college life is all about – constantly striving to balance all four. The only problem is that by the time you finally figure it out, you’ve graduated. Fuck me.