-Why are the last few days before you leave for college when you run around trying to see everyone you didn’t bother to hang out with the whole summer?

-Why do I come back after a year away at school and my family has changed the seating arrangements at the dinner table? And how come my room has become the storage area for old clothes and my sister’s shoes?

-Before I left school, I sold my books back. I think it’s pretty obvious that the campus bookstore is the biggest rip-off on the planet. How can they give me $10 for a $60 textbook? I swear I never even opened it. It’s brand new! And wait a minute, wasn’t there inflation in the last year? This book is actually worth more now! You should be paying me you blood-sucking bastards!

-Ever notice that in high school, the school year sucked and the summer ruled, but now the summer sucks and school is awesome?

-The best scene is when you come home wrecked and go in to talk to your half-sleeping parents. You try your best, but you always come away thinking you either talked really loudly to them, slurred your words, acted suspiciously, or smelled.

-Being at home made me realize why college is so great: college is a consequence-free environment. You don’t have to drive anywhere and your parents aren’t around. There’s absolutely no reason not to party!

-I hate those kids who finish all their exams early in finals week and call you up every night while you’re still studying to tell you how drunk they are.

-Isn’t it weird being home and sleeping late? At school, you never notice anything, but at home you’re just waking up and your parents are coming home from work already. It makes you kind of think you’re missing something.

-When deciding what clothes to pack for school, don’t you consider every conceivable situation? I’m like, what if it’s hailing on a party cloudy day and I’m playing tackle football in the mud… I better take this old sweatshirt just in case!

-And since you take basically all your wearable clothes, you end up wearing whatever is left the day before you leave. I had on a pair of short shorts from 1986 and those high socks with the colored stripes on top!

-Over the summer, I realized that my mom has superhuman abilities. She is able to sense when a really important moment in a sporting event is about to happen and walk in front of the TV just in time to block it from view.

-I also realized that my parents are from a different planet. I told them that Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page were working together on a song and they were like, “Who’s Jimmy Page?”

-I didn’t even know 6am existed until I started interning this summer.

-Do you have that friend who is always looking for stuff to put in his college dorm room? They’re like obsessed scavengers. Every time they see a sign they’re like, “That would look awesome in my room! Watch my back while I climb this pole.”

-This time I get to be the dumbass with the Quote of the Month. I was on vacation this summer in London and was talking to some English kids about drinking games. I asked, “So, do you guys play quarters?” And one guy was like, “Bloke, we don’t even have quarters.” Fuck me.

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